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Here is where I, Victor Muckystank himself, keyboardist and vocalist of VLAD, can drop pearls of wisdom to you ignorant swine who probably cannot tie your own shoes. Read it and you shall become wiser. Not as wise as me, but when you are as stupid as you people are, anything is an improvement.
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VLAD is planning a return to Ground Zero in Spartanburg USA for a special christmas pageant. There will be eggnog, there will be christmas caroling, there will be cookies shaped like trees and reindeer and shit like that. Basically it will be like christmas at your grandma's house, except that we will kill you if we find you unworthy of sharing our oxygen.
We demand that you bring us presents. We want the heads of N'Sync to go with our collection of Backstreet Boy and NKOTB heads. We want swords and spears, and the required accesories. I want a new spiked cell phone holder and some new gauntlets. Lord Vlad needs a new grinding wheel also. If you are in doubt about what to buy us, email us so we can laugh at your puny gift ideas.
Proper behavior at a VLAD concert:
Vlad concerts are a special event. We expect our fans to behave in a certain way if they want to survive the experience. The following are some guidelines you should follow:
1. Clap and cheer when VLAD's bus rolls into the parking lot. We arrive the day before the show to set up the massive pipe organ, but you should already be camped out at the front door, awaiting the honor of being the first impaled by VLAD.
2. Do not make eye contact with Lord Vlad, myself, or any other members of VLAD or our minions. For we are crazy and will kill you for any reason we can think of. Don't give us an excuse, we must save our energy for the stage.
3. Mosh violently, with intent to harm your fellow concert goer. The mosher who does the most damage to another human gets a backstage pass, where the minions will beat him and he will like it.
4. Do not run from our pyrotechnic effects. The Fire Tornado may look fearsome, but only until you die from your burns.
There will be more tips when I feel like posting them. Be gone, fool.
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Victor says: "Don't fuck with VLAD, otherwise we shall cut off all your limbs and urinate on you while you flop helplessly on the pavement."
| When VLAD Attacks |
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| Next on Fox...... |
Why VLAD is so fucking EVIL:
The minions often ask me, "Uncle Victor, how is it that VLAD rules the entire universe of metal?" I tell them the same thing I tell everyone else who asks me that question. It is because VLAD lives, breathes, eats, sleeps, and shits EVIL. No one person or band can touch our potential for evilness. Some may try, all will fail, and most will feel the business end of my mighty spear ripping through their pathetic emo torsos.
All other metal bands are inferior to VLAD. They act evil, but they may as well be playing polka compared to us. I shall soon list the names of other bands and the various ways in which we are superior to them.
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